Suggestions for Talking about Death

I heard John Edward recently describe a couple of interesting ways of helping children regarding the

“What happened?  Where did they go?” questions.  It’s hard for them.  It’s hard for us.  They, no doubt, clearly saw that their Grandpa wasn’t in his body as it lay in the casket, but just as for adults, it’s hard to put into words and harder yet to contemplate where he might have gone and what he might be like now that his body is dead. 

• John suggested the Chronicles of Narnia as a good movie to view with your child; it shows children (which are easier for young people to resonate with) going through the closet door (a symbol often relayed to death workers by people who are nearing their death – an open door) and on through the back of the closet, into another world.  Much looks familiar and operates in a familiar way, but other parts are quite different.  Although they are somewhat challenged by their new surroundings, the children are able to maneuver them and that is a comforting thought for a child who might have been worrying about a loved one who has died, especially if that loved one was a young friend or a frail/dependent older person.  Because children fear being ‘unable’ and being ‘alone’ more than just about anything, and because they have these same fears for others, too – living and dead, seeing these children, together, ‘making it’ in a world they don’t quite yet know, can be a relief.  (I’m sure there was more to John’s story although I missed hearing it presented.  This was enough to get me thinking though, and I’ll give the movie another look.  Thought you might find it worth investigating, too.)

• An exercise he suggested, and that I really like, follows:

1.       Pour a little water into a shallow bowl.  Let it sit uncovered and undisturbed.  Check it regularly with your child.

2.       Within a few days the water will have evaporated – no one threw the water out . . . so it is still there . . . it’s just been transformed.  In its new form, you can’t see it any longer. 

3.       After you and your child find the water missing from the bowl, take the time to sit down quietly together.  Tell them you want to talk to them about life and death.  Don’t be afraid; you’ll do fine, what they need is a framework in which to have their distressing thoughts contained, and you can give them that.  Just knowing you’re willing to talk with them about death will start to take some of the distress away.  You’ll help them carry their confusion and sadness; they’ll willingly let you.

4.       Talk of the exercise as an analogy; tell them you chose to show them, rather than tell them about death, because death and what happens when our body dies, is a difficult thing to explain and you want them to be able to understand.

5.       Suggest that they think of God pouring our life force, known by some as our soul, (the water) into our bodies (the bowl) when we are born.  When our life on Earth is finished and our body dies, the life force isn’t contained in it any longer.  Ask them if they could see that Grandpa didn’t have life force in his body anymore after he died.  The question will give them an opening to talk about what they saw and felt.  Be sure to tell them that their feelings and questions are normal and that death is also normal, even though it’s sad.

6.       Remind them that no one took the water away; it just changed into a different form.  Ask them if they can see/imagine that it’s that way with life force and dying, too.  Remind them that they couldn’t see the water in its new form, and we can’t see our loved ones in their new forms either, but in neither case does it mean they stopped existing. Life is eternal.

7.       The biggest benefit of this exercise is that your child will know that even if they don’t quite ‘get it’ about death, they’ve just been shown by your patient actions that you care about what they’re experiencing.  You’ve acknowledged their loss.  In engaging with them in this exercise and opening yourself up to them and their questions, you offer them the opportunity to give voice to their grief.  Grief that’s shared is grief that’s easier moved through.  You’ve done them a great favor.