On Supporting Young Grievers
TEENS
With teens and young adults, it’s important to openly acknowledge that you recognize that they are grieving. All too often, we assume that this age group doesn’t need our support as much as younger children in the family might. This just isn’t so. We all need our losses acknowledged.
Temporary regression isn’t uncommon and in general should just be allowed. Most teens return to their prior responsible behaviors quite quickly.
A young person should never be expected to assume the role of the dead family member. It’s tempting to shift responsibilities onto them since they are older and stronger, but they are not adults and shouldn’t be expected to prematurely fill the shoes of an adult. The burden can be just too much; trying to act outside our growth and development stage is a significant stressor.
Teens can be helped by being encouraged to express their emotions. You can help them develope coping mechanisms. Physical outlets, such as jogging, exercising, journaling, and engaging in grief support groups can all be helpful.
Teens are all about blending in, at the same time they wish to express their individuality. It’s no different when they’re grieving. Respect and acknowledge their individuality in their grief responses.
In saying goodbye, allow teens the respect of engaging in as much as they are able and wish to. Most teens attend funerals and calling hours, but not all. Individual expressions of saying goodbye and of honoring their deceased one, such as planting a tree, planting a wildflower garden, or finishing a project the loved one started that they too are interested in can all help.
Teens are often very private young people. It can be hard to figure out where they’re coming from as they often don’t offer you their thoughts. Journaling is a private way that teens can put their emotions into form. In putting stressful situations into words, they stop spinning in our heads for a time, allowing a bit of rest. In writing things down, we generally are more able to figure out what we are feeling. Once the teen begins to feel more comfortable with their own thoughts, they may feel more ready to share them with you.
Assessing the effectiveness of your teens support system is important. The fact that they have had a significant loss initially separates them out some from their peers. (It’s hard for adults to keep grieving friends in the loop; it’s even harder for teens.) As a parent, especially if you are grieving, too, you may not be your teens ‘go-to’ person for support. See that extended family members, or other adult community/school members, are present and available to your teen. Ask them! You would be amazed by the number of people in the wings who really do care and want to be of help. It may be that someone just regularly checking in, will be just the key to keeping your teen engaged and moving through, rather than bottling up, their grief.
GRADE-SCHOOLERS
When dealing with children of school age, it’s helpful to know that there will be a degree of variability with respect to their understandings of death – even within the same family.
It’s important not to discourage expressions of grief; if they’re not openly allowed, expressions may take less desireable forms: lack of paying attention, excessive daydreaming, poor grades in school, open hostility. One of the best ways you can help is by being a good listener. Offering the grade schooler opportunities for the venting of feelings, prevents the obvious bottling up of them and the resultant outbursts that are inevitable if they are not dealt with a little at a time. School aged children, just like all of us, need to be heard. Being heard and having grief acknowledged are primo in healing. A degree of acceptance of anger, withdrawal, and reasonable levels of hostility will be necessary in order to prevent suppression. Grief, at whatever age, will not be denied – there’s no getting around going through our grief; if bottled up, it will not stay that way and may spew forth with greater force and distress than if dealt with initially at the time of loss.
It’s wise to look, especially several months down the road following the loss, for signs of depression. An adult must act as a liaison with the child and their teachers and other school personnel. Professional help may be necessary at some point and school counselors can be a good place to start.
As for questions, grade schoolers are often more open with asking for information when they need it. It’s important to answer questions directly and honestly – avoid fairy tales or half truths in trying to explain the mysteries of death. When listening carefully, misconceptions can be picked up on and clarified before they become larger problems.
Guilt is often assumed by grade schoolers; it needs your direct attention. Be sure they know that their behavior did not cause their loved one to die. Kids take on all kinds of responsibility which isn’t theirs. Kids misbehave, it’s part of being a kid, but misbehaving doesn’t make others leave by dying. Unfortunately, kids can’t quite see that this is true. Be sure to tell them!
Another fear of grieving grade schoolers is fear for their own security. Their checks and balances may have been disturbed by the death of a key adult in their lives, and although they clearly do recognize that balance will need to be restored, their thinking process may not be mature enough to discern how it can happen, or what their part in it may be. Explain clearly the provisions the adults in the family are making to secure the child’s security. Tell them directly that they do not need to worry about their future; tell them that you and other adults can and are handling that piece. Speak very frankly in letting them know that their needs are important to you and you are addressing them so that they will be cared for safely and securely into their future.
PRESCHOOLERS
As with toddlers, it’s important for preschoolers to be allowed as much of the time they demonstrate they need, with their mother, or mothering figure. If it can be managed, it’s important not to separate them initially.
By this age, children have learned to use words and play to express themselves – you can encourage them to express their new feelings associated with their loss in this way. Their attention spans may be short, and they may have shifts in their moods rather quickly, so you may need to repeat even simple directions and explanations at first.
Preschoolers establish rituals in their days. With a significant loss in a family, there is much that swirls around initially. Even with all that’s going on, it’s important to try to respect your preschooler’s rituals as often as possible; to not do so, could be unsettling and stress provoking.
If your child is demonstrating magical thoughts, repeat to them as often as is needed, that they were not responsible for their loved one’s death. Children believe they can ‘cause’ any number of things, and it’s within the realm of their thinking processes to believe that they could have instigated this big loss, too.
If prepared ahead of time regarding death related experiences they may encounter, your preschooler will fare far better. The unexpected, accompanied by the overt expressions of others’ grief, could be quite overwhelming to a child of this age. Use phrases that are age-specific, but do not equate death, or lying in a coffin, with sleep. A preschooler may be quite stoic during events, but that’s not to say they aren’t taking it all in or being affected by what they’re experiencing. Watch their play in the days that follow for delayed grief; be accepting of it, and talk with them about what they’re feeling. We don’t yet have our own preschooler support items in print, but there are a few books available commercially for this age group that may help. Ask your funeral director, generally a coloring book is available that will help you, help them, to understand.
TODDLERS
It’s not unusual, with these youngest of children, to regress to earlier levels of development and accomplishment when confronted with loss. Functions previously mastered, such as bowel and bladder control, may be abandoned for a while. It’s important to relax; expect some fall backs along these lines and be as accepting of the new behaviors as you possibly can. They are not just attention getting and punishment will not help. It may be very hard for you, especially since it will add extra work to your quite possibly already burdened days, if you, too, are grieving. Ask for help. Let others in.
Meeting a toddler’s needs, as immediately as possible, will help instill a renewed sense of safety in them. Keep stress instigators down; it will allow a return to prior states of development sooner. When giving instructions to a toddler who’s experienced a loss, it may be necessary for you to use simpler language than you normally would. If you’re not being understood, try again. It’s more likely that they’re not following what you’re asking them to do, rather than that they’re choosing to be noncompliant. Say it again with fewer and simpler words. Speak in a calm and quiet voice. Aggressive voices, impatience, and sudden loud noises are counterproductive in the environment of a young child that’s grieving.
Young children may cling to their mother, or mothering figure. It’s important that they be allowed this closeness as much as possible. Instead of taking the child from the caregiver, in an attempt to give them a break, it’ll be more positive for the overall family stress level, and to the toddler’s stress level specifically, if you offer your assistance in other ways; doing laundry, shopping, bringing in meals, taking older children out for short spells, sitting with the adult while they hold the child, etc.
Toddlers respond in kind to the actions of others around them. If family members are openly expressing their own grief in loud and/or angry ways, then the toddler is apt to ‘act out’ in response. Tears are common in toddlers who are confronted with stressors. They often don’t have the words yet to express their distress verbally. Tears are not unusual in response to another’s tears, either. While it’s not necessary to remove toddlers from a grieving family’s expressions, you may want to give them a break in a separate space if family members are angry. They always depend on you to protect them, but special attention is needed to see that others’ grief is not directed at them – overburdened siblings, parents, yourself. If you need help with their care, or maintaining their safety, be sure to call someone. It may be that you need little breaks early on in your grieving to help you keep your balance. You will be able to support your family best, as they try to rebalance, if you, too, are seeking support and balance.
