Don’t stay away – they’ve lost so much already.
Support generally falls away after the wake and funeral. Although relatives, friends, and neighbors are often very supportive during the time of illness, and even at the time of death, their time and energies are not unlimited.
Family members themselves may find it difficult to continue giving support to each other, too. During this time of grief, they will be continuing to deal with their own emotions and that may be all they can handle.
Pressures of returning to jobs, dealing with children who may also be grieving, and feeling alone after family members from a distance return back home, can all be a heavy load.
They need you! Make yourself available and if you don’t get an initial request for help of a specific kind, offer one yourself. Check back in after just a few days. Tell them you’ll be checking back in. Ask how you can help with the kids – maybe you could pick them up from school, shuttle them to activities, take them out to burn off some excess energy. Make offers.
Keeping still
It isn’t always necessary to say something to adequately express your love and concern. A squeeze of the hand, a hug, a kiss, sitting quietly beside them – just your presence conveys your support.
If you want to say something, say “I’m sorry.” or “I want you to know that I care about you.” Don’t ask too many questions; it’s not necessary for you to know all the details surrounding the death. You can simply let your friend know that if they want to talk, then you want to listen and if they don’t want to talk, then you’re there beside them just the same. This frees them up to discuss however much they can, at any given moment; this changes often.
Listen, listen, listen
In conversation, people who are grieving often ask the question why. This doesn’t call for an expert response from you. It’s ok to say, “I don’t know.” Their question is generally a cry of pain and not a question they’re expecting an answer to. Responses such as “Life is for the living, you need to move on.” and “It’s God’s will.” and “I know how you’re feeling, my father died, too.” are not helpful. They rarely give comfort and often give additional pain. You don’t need to talk; remember to just listen.
Your friend may very well be angry some of the times you sit with them. They may vent anger at God, the hospital or hospice staff, the clergy, the doctor, or other family members. Anger in grief is normal. It is expected and generally doesn’t need ‘treating’ unless the anger is prolonged, interfering with your friend’s activities of daily living, or being acted out on others, specifically children. Just being mad at God is not abnormal – God doesn’t need you to defend him, so be a good listener instead. Being mad at staff and circumstances surrounding a loved one’s death are also common; again, they don’t need you to defend them but your friend does need you to listen as they verbalize and sort things out for themselves.
As for tears, they’re a blessed release valve. It’s hard to see a friend cry, but if you hush them up, if you say “Come on now. Stop crying, it’ll be alright.” you’re actually doing them a disservice. When they no longer need to cry . . . they’ll stop. Until then, sit with them and pass the tissues!
When we’re grieving, it helps to tell our story. It takes many tellings before we begin to feel better. Generally, people are finished listening long before we are finished telling. Be a good friend – they’ve lost a lot – let them tell you their story again and again. It helps.
Send a card
Dropping a note in the mail that simply says I’m thinking about you is a fine idea. It’s ok to say you’re thinking about the one who has died, too. If we stop talking about the one who has died, we leave the friend who is grieving all alone with their thoughts of him/her.
Sympathy cards are our nation’s first responses to each other’s losses, but a card sent later on can be equally or even more beneficial. Holidays are hard – send a card saying you’re thinking of them this first holiday without their father. Don’t worry that you’ll make them feel worse – believe me, they are already thinking about them and their absence!
Sending a small gift, or dropping off a bouquet of fresh flowers can be well received. Things of beauty received during times of pain are helpful. They don’t make the pain go away, they just offer something of beauty into the day.
Suggestions you can make
Suggest journaling – you can even make a gift of a beautiful book and pen with the suggestion that if they’re ever feeling like writing their thoughts down, it sometimes helps.
Proper nutrition – it’s hard to eat when we’re distressed, and the opposite can be true, too. We can eat way too much of the wrong things. You don’t have to prepare a huge meal, you can just drop off a nice salad, all prepared and pretty. Take your offering in disposable dishes so there’s no pressure to empty, clean and return them. Alcohol in large amounts to numb the pain of loss is never a good idea. It doesn’t help and can compromise your friend’s health. If this is a risk for them, if they are prone to over drinking, keep a good friendly eye out for them. If need be, step up to the plate and address it with them and offer to help.
Suggest postponing making major decisions – it’s best to wait until a degree of balance returns before making life altering decisions such as selling a house, quitting a job, confronting relatives or employers, etc. Being a good listener can put the need to act for them off until another day when they may be more suited for it. If need be, suggest that they wait, but know that the decisions are theirs to make.
Exercise – in moderation can be so helpful. It’s not easy to do alone on a good day, and can be almost impossible when grieving so choose something, invite them along, encourage them to join you, and make all the arrangements so all they have to do is be ready to be picked up.
Counseling/support groups – can be a huge help. Find out what’s available in your area. Write it down. When visiting with your friend, give them the list and just say “If you’re interested. Thought I’d just do the leg work for you. Sometimes these help.”
Rest – while it’s so important not to eliminate your grieving friends from your social circles, recognize that they nee ample time to rest. They have been and are continuing to put out a lot of energy to just get through their days. Check in with them to see how they’re sleeping. It’s normal not to sleep well, but it’s not good to spend sleepless nights on a long term basis.
