On Listening

When I ask you to listen to me

and you start giving advice, you’ve not done what I asked.

 

When I ask you to listen to me

and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you’re trampling my feelings.           

 

When I ask you to listen to me

and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you’ve failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen!

All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do – just hear me.

 

And I can do for myself. 

I’m not helpless; maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

 

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,

you contribute to my fear of inadequacy.

 

But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,

no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

 

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious,

I don’t need advice.  Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

 

Perhaps that’s why prayer works sometimes for some people –

because God is mute; doesn’t give advice or try to fix things.  Just listens and lets you work it out yourself.

 

So please listen and just hear me.

And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I’ll listen to you.

 

 

Ralph Roughton, MD